Who dat?

Well, I'm back in LA after an almost 1 year to the day stay in Las Vegas where I spent a lot of time on my own, talking to my dogs, drinking a little too much (per usual) and trying to figure out "What am I doing here? What is my purpose? Why can't I find a f$%r#g job?"

The only answer I came up with is that I was stuck in my LA routine and needed to be air-lifted to a place away from all my "comfortable and icky places" to sort things out. Something in my life had gone horribly wrong.

It was an "intervention" from the Universe.

Now I'm back. I have a job (Don't ask. If I told you, I'd have to....well, I think you know the rest of that sentence." I've traveled all over California, Hawaii, Guam and Saipan. I've snorkeled (an amazing undertaking) and done dozens of things that I've never even dreamed or wanted to try (with varying results). I found out I'm not peri-menopausal, just hormonal (which is still evil, but at a much younger age).

Now I'm back to the question:

What do I want to be when I grow up?

 I don't know what it's called, but here's what it looks like.

Unlimited financial backing to write direct and produce the projects I choose (along with my business partner and dear friend Cathleen Alexander). Travel to amazing places all over the world. Opening an animal shelter in Saipan (they really, REALLY need one). I'd like and invite love into my life in all shapes in forms....and sex (but not in all shapes and forms/ I do have standards....stop laughing). Then general, fun, family, friends, adventure, laughter and good wine.

So, I'm putting it out there...hopefully the universe will airlift me into my dreams. And hand me a benefactor. Or make me my own benefactor (that actually sounds better to me).

I hope you also receive yours (dreams and benefactors).  HERE'S TO BEING A GROWNUP!!!!

Many blessings to you all!

xoxo

Cheri

Cha..cha..cha..cha.. cha...CHANGES!

Cha..cha..cha..cha...cha...CHANGES....you may think I'm singing David Bowie right now, but actually I'm stuttering through my tears.....Things are happening with my body and I'm freaking out! I feel like I'm twelve again and nobody....NOBODY wants to live though puberty again....but it seems I am....

It started a couple of months ago, about 10 days before my period (sorry men, this may be an overshare, but think of it as a in-depth look at the ancient species of women in their.....cough...early...40's...cough...on the National Geographic Channel...Yes, it's informative and educational....and probably a bit boring.

I noticed that I would...well, how would you say it...would become...ummm...A MONSTER! Excessive road rage (more than in LA), fatigue, sleeplessness, irritability and depression. Last week I actually was getting a pedicure and Donna Summer's "Last Dance" came on and I burst into to tears....WTF People?!!! What is going on here?

I decided to do some research after 1) almost snapping my sister-in-law in half (Sorry Sara) and 2) starting to weep uncontrollably when I was watching The Rachel Ray Show and Liz Smith said she was fired from her job at the age of 86. I cried like I lost my dogs.....

Something was definitely wrong.

I called my friend, an acupuncturist/healer...the lovely and amazing Ms. Jean Ann Allen. She sweetly told me that it could be the beginnings of Peri Menopause...WHAT? I'm too young! Then gently described it as the 10 years of HELL before the HELL of actual menopause.....WHAT? I have to go through this for 10 years before I go through a worse version of this? What is this....a cruel joke? God's way of punishing me for those happy-go-lucky years of dancing on tables and drinking like a fish?(I'm not giving that up by the way, but I did start wearing underwear).

I decided I should maybe think of careers I could go into that would support the "crazy." Prison Guard, hitman, meter maid....Judge Judy? "Hmmm..," I thought. "Maybe I should look into a solution instead."

Miss Jean is sending me "ancient chinese secret" herbs and The Mayo Clinic suggests a lifestyle of good nutrition, regular exercise and stress reduction...which I translate to steak, a boyfriend and a couple of glasses of red wine. Thank God I'm well versed in "natural treatments."

Well wish me luck on my new journey. As Bette Davis would say "It's going to be a bumpy night." Or in my case 8 to 10 years....

p.s. Regarding Antonio (see previous blog post)...He's alive and well and still living with my Mom and Dad....He attempted to murder my father by rigging his gigantic RV (all the electric went out in Texas) but Dad managed to survive....Then Antonio kept strangely quiet for the rest of my visit, but I know he's planning....scheming for the the day, he'll "off" the rest of family and keep my Mother for his own....Damm you Antonio!!!

My Mother and her Jealous Lover Antonio....

My Mom has a very jealous lover (who lives in same house as her and Dad) and he's out to get us all.

Mom was traveling recently with my Sister and brother-in-law and he was fine. We left him alone and he left us alone. He and Dad live together civilly, but not amicably.

But every time I visit, every holiday, every vacation, he baits us all. We've all begged Mom to get rid of him but she just says he's "sensitive" and refuses to even consider...Not even for the sake of the family...OY!

I'm talking about Antonio (my name for him)....her Red Toyota 4Runner.

Oh yes, he's hot, red and loves my Mom with a burning passion. He won't let anyone else go near him. His "alarm" just happens to go off if you think about driving him. He only lets Mom touch him.

For example, today I was getting ready to go to the dentist and I was sitting in the dining room. Antonio's keys were in the kitchen hanging up...Mom was on the phone with Dad and Antonio decided to totally go beserk...he beeped and beeped.

Mom screamed "What did you do?" to me. "Nothing," I cried, "I don't even have the keys in my hand." "Well," she screamed back, "You must have done something!" She ran to Antonio, turned off the alarm and gently stroked his side mirror.

That how it always starts. Antonio masterfully winds a web of deception that makes it look like we are all out to get him, but no, my friends, its the other way around. My cute litte Nissan Versa was parked in the driveway and Antonio talked all the birds into a "fly-by" shooting. My car was covered in poop. How humiliating. I could hear Antonio chuckling softly as I gingerly wiped down my car telling her not to worry, it would all be ok.

Antonio also just talked my Dad into taking the RV to Chicago (And you all know about the RV a.k.a. Cheri Potter and the RV of Doom!)....It's a certain death drive....Antonio wants to get rid of Dad for good and drive all of us kids away so he can be with Mom alone....but I won't let that happen.

Your time is Limited Antonio (I shake my fist in he air)...."My name is Cheri Waterhouse, you are trying to kill my father...PREPARE TO DIE."

Postscript: Antonio's plot is well underway...Dad is driving through Texas all the electrical on the RV is failing....I fear the worst...More Later...."Damn You Antonio!"

Getting Ready for Hell...I mean summertime in Las Vegas

I know I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks, but I haven't had any wild adventures and I feel like I haven't had a lot to say, but lately a reoccurring thought has run through my mind....How am I going to survive the summer in Las Vegas.

Now mind you I did spend about 5 or years in Tempe, Arizona going to college, so I know about the heat, but that was about....well, a lot of years ago.

So here I sit, blogging to you, reminding myself what to do:

1. Carry sunscreen in the car at all times. Right before I left LA, I got pulled over because the tinting on my windows was too dark. I had to pay to get it removed and now the sun's laser beam rays sear my skin every time I get in the car (think of vampire Bill burning up like a marshmallow caught on fire in the end of season 1 of "True Blood"). I always forget to put in on in the morning and it isn't until I look down and my "football like" skin, do I remember to apply liberally.

2. Bring a hat everywhere: Even though all my moisturizers and foundations have an SPF, my skin is freckling like crazy. And I don't look cute when I freckle like other women do. I look like "Lil Orphan Annie" with chicken pox and not in a good way. Freckling on me is more like ugly giant sunspots, general redness and an overall blotchy skin tone. It's not pretty my friends. The wind here is crazy, so it has to be a hat that fits really tight around my head or has a chin strap so not to fly into the nearby duck pond. Yes, there is a duck pond at the park that has almost inherited my hat on several occasions.

3.Bring two (yes two) reusable water bottles everywhere: Every morning before I make my way through the world I fill up two giant bottles with ice: Then one gets green iced tea and one gets water. I find drinking the green tea first really gets me going (I get very hopped up) because in this arid weather, and I get very sleepy and need to stay awake at the wheel (so I can watch my skins sear off/see True Blood reference on #1).

4. Wardrobe is key: I now own every color tank top imaginable and I pair it with shorts or jeans or sweats (if I'm going to the gym), a stylish belt and appropriate jewelry (if I'm not going to the gym). This allows me a. not to have to think too much when I get up in the morning, and b. not have to think too much when I get up in the morning. I throw a sweater in the car, just in case I have to go in an establishment that insists on keeping their temperature as low as a meat locker and I'm good to go.

5. Lastly...I do everything either very early in the morning or very late in the evening. It is sort of like vampire hours (see Vampire Bill Reference in #1). Actually this is not entirely true, since I hate getting up very early in the morning so actually I do everything very late in the evening. Laundry, walking the dogs, running the dishwasher...I will openly brag that I do laundry and run the dishwasher late in the evening because I'm saving energy, but actually...I'm just lazy and that's when I have berated myself enough to make myself do it.

On the job front I do have some actual news to report. I'm writing web content for someone and have an interview for an undisclosed website....I'll keep you posted.

Stay Cool, Stay Clean, Stay Classy (huh?)

Until next time...

C

Getting to the Business of Everyday Life

Hey All, I know it's been awhile since I wrote, but I've been visiting friends and family in LA and Phoenix....and I have the mosquito bites to prove it...I won't be able to wear skirts for weeks.

I'm still job hunting, and again since it was pounded into my brain by my parents to "Not say anything, if there's not anything nice to say", here is a little bit about my job hunt....





............so I'm still looking.

On the Sin City home front, my place is great. Now I'm going to sound like a spoiled child (because I am), but I never really did a lot of housework before I came here.

Now those who have seen my past living spaces are laughing soundly. STOP LAUGHING...REALLY STOP LAUGHING.

If you have ever seen my old apartments it was always VERY apparent, that I hated cleaning and chores and would do about anything to avoid them. I used to drop off my laundry at "Sunny Cleaners" on Sunset and Fuller and was greeted by all the Japanese ladies yelling a bastardized version of my last name "Wa ta Howwwwze." It was sort of like the TV Show "Cheers", but there was never any alcohol involved. Then occasionally I would get the follow up line from Sunny (who coincidentally owned "Sunny Cleaners")..."Why you no married?"..."Well," I would say. "That's a question for the ages." and they all would titter and weigh my laundry that hadn't been done in a month.

When I got to Las Vegas, my Mom was astounded at how much clothing I had...well, Mom, instead of washing, I just bought more.

In my old abode, I would pick up occasionally and throw stuff out and if things got really bad, I would hire a cleaning lady for my tiny little guesthouse. I guess, what it came down to was it was a small place, I had way too much stuff in it and I was too darn lazy to do anything about it.

Now I'm here and my space had grown by 1000 square feet. I have a washer and dryer and a dishwasher...no excuses anymore. But I'm making a lot of mistakes....Mike gave me 6 beautiful plants and I've killed 4 of them...Before I never kept plants in my house and if someone gave me one I placed it outside so Jaime, my gardener would take care of it. Ooops! (Do you see another sequel to a "Legally Blonde" movie running through your head)?

But here in Las Vegas I had to take care of them myself and I put the plants in the wrong spot on the patio and they burned up, then I put them in the atrium and drowned them...then to add insult to injury, I put in the "Aqua Globes" to really make sure they were dead...Oops...hopefully they were way past being expired...

The laundry situation is a little better, although I've still never caught on how to fold a fitted sheet....Mom has showed me over and over, but mine look like I've balled them up and thrown them in the closet...which I actually have. Actually that's a lie, they're still in the laundry basket from last week waiting to be folded.

The kitchen is a dream...I had a little issue keeping the black granite from looking streaky (who knew they had granite cleaner), but I love having a dishwasher, two sinks and....wait for it...counter space.

I had a fantasy that when I came to live in my sweet Casa de Agua Apreciar; I would cook like the Barefoot Contessa, become a master of cleaning, goddess of the garden, entertain like Martha (Yes, I was watching ALOT of TV) and get taller, slimmer, younger, and have young gorgeous boys all over me (appreciating me for the gorgeous older, wiser, sexier woman I was compared to their female counter parts).

None of this has happened yet...

I'm so Crunchy Granola.....

Ok Folks, this past weekend, I tried two new things; I've eaten vegetarian for 6 days straight and I took care of pigs (and not even the ex-boyfriend kind) the actual farm variety.

One of my best friends from High School, Julie Andrews LaScala, came into town for a long weekend. Julie is a vegetarian and I thought it would be good for me to experiment a little bit with the veggie lifestyle. I have tried before, but have succumbed quickly to the temptations of sushi, filet mignon and a really good hot dog.

Julie's weekend was as unique. My friends' weekends tend to go perfectly with their personalities; we laid by the pool (yes, my blueish white skin has a hint of color), drank beer, watched movies and we drove to Kanab, Utah to go to the Best Friends Animal Sanctuary to volunteer.

Best Friends is an amazing animal sanctuary that houses and nurtures approximately 2000 animals. Julie has donated money and last year went up for three days to volunteer and wanted to do it again. I was game, but I assumed we would work with dogs...then I got the email. How do you feel about pigs? I replied, "I'm open."

The drive to Kanab is gorgeous with its layers and layers of marbled rocks in hues of red that line the highway. We took Wendall and Fizzy and checked into the Quail Park Lodge in Kanab, crated them and headed off to the tour.

At Best Friends you can stay in their cottages and cabins for a very low rate (we booked too late so we stayed in town) and you can even choose an animal to stay with you for an overnight visit.

I could go on and on, but I think their website is a better place to go for more information:

http://www.bestfriends.org/


Monday Morning Julie and I reported to the pig area. We were greeted by a very loud mule who decided that we should fetch him his dinner. Next, Julie, I and the other volunteers had a 5 minute video presentation on what we might be doing. I have to admit I was a little intimidated by the pigs. I kept thinking of when Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz fell off the fence and the pigs trampled her, then she hallucinated for days and days and well, you know the rest, "One day I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the".....Anyway, I digress.

So our first job was to make popcorn. You heard me, we lined up four hot air popcorn poppers and made gallons of popcorn to give the pigs when they go out for their walk.

Meanwhile other ladies were putting all the meals together. Then we got to to feed the pigs. As I pulled the wagon with all the dishes of food, the wheel came off. Now this always happens....When did I become the Lucy Ricardo of the southwest? But we had to feed those pigs and get their walks out of the way before it got to hot.

I was so surprised about how sweet they were. We put their food down in separate areas in the shade and those piggys went to town. But the food was all amazingly healthy and I would be supermodel thin if I ate like them.

Next Julie, Phyllis and I walked Daphne and Sprocket. We got buckets and filled them with popcorn, peanuts in the shell, unsweetened shredded wheat and dried sweet potatoes. Since you don't put the pigs on the leash, you walk ahead of them and throw down this lovely bucket of treats and they will follow you anywhere. Sprocket has quite a gait and can move very quickly when food is the motivation. He also will sit for a treat. He can also spend the night with you if you rent one of Best Friends cottages or cabins.

Daphne has a story about her on Best Friends if you want to see a really good pic of her.

http://news.bestfriends.org/index.cfm?page=news&mode=entry&entry=2FAC369D-98A8-113C-B9C6A2FF45097853

Then I walked a blind pig named Porky and he was a little harder to manuever. I had to put a peanut every couple of inches so he could smell it and move forward. Meanwhile the other volunteers were washing out the dishes and filling the dirt holes with water so the sweet pigs could cool down.

Then was the best part of all. Socialization. We got to go in, rub the pigs bellies and feed them treats. Some were shy, but others just laid down and let you rub away. We were instructed in the video the place that looked like their belly button was actually was their penile area so I stayed on the chest for the rubbing....No pig porn from me Mom! We hung out with Pepe and Jake, then I went into another enclosure and petted Babe who is a pink older male with horrible sunburn, so they have to keep him in the shade at all times.

It was wonderful and I wanted to thank Brandi and all the other staff for the wonderful day we had. We finished off by going to their cafeteria and eating a really good lunch.

I say you should try it....Participate, adopt or donate...It's good karma you know!!!

So, I do have a couple weeks to myself here at Casa de Agua Apreciar (Yes, that's the winning name). But I do have an interview tomorrow....Lets see what that will bring!!!

Cheri's Alternative View of Las Vegas Events......

Well, I just put Alora back on a plane to San Jose and I have to say I had a wonderful, but a very different weekend then with Joanne.

First, my darling friend is psychic and also teaches seminars on the Laws of Attraction.

I was complaining to her that although I loved, loved, loved my new space, that there were ALOT of noises in the house. I mostly attributed it to the atrium in the middle of the house was let me hear people slamming doors and banging things from a couple of houses down and made them seem like they were in my place. I said, " When you get here, I sure could use some help clearing the space." She said, "Ok." That night I slept soundly, not hearing any noises and padded around my place the next morning and felt (for the first time) calm and peaceful and like I was finally settling in and really enjoying my space.

So I picked Alora up, we had sandwiches and I (not being shy) asked when the clearing might happen. "Oh," she answered. "I already did it last night. You had an older man, who was not necessarily in your space, but around, looking for his wife. He crossed over and now that's ok." We did some other things, set intentions for the house, and filled it with love and Wow! the place feels so good now. Oh, by the way, this gated community used to be a retirement community, and Alora didn't know that and I didn't actually offer that information even after she cleared the space.

So that was done (hands clapping together). Job well done....What next? Well we went to the MGM Grand and saw the Lions in the Lion habitat. They were amazing. There were two lions in the space; a male and and female. The Male was gorgeous and lazy as he sat at the top of the enclosure and chewed on bones. The female was feisty and played with giant dog toys the four trainers in the space threw to her.

Alora informed me the females did all the work and hunted and brought back food. The male eats first, then she does and the rest go to the cubs. The male's job is basically to be the stud....Oh and occasionally protect the family.....hmmm....He could at least get a part time job....or put the cubs to bed....Right?

Next we walked to the Bellagio and watched the gorgeous fountain as it danced to "All That Jazz" from Chicago (It was the Catherine Zeta-Jones version for those of you who care). I actually cried, it was really cool to see it that close. I didn't think I'd have such an emotional reaction...Then I wanted red wine and chocolate, so maybe it's a symptom of something else...

Then we walked (boy, our feet were tired) to the MGM Mirage (which looked like it was only a block away, but it was more like a mile) because we wanted to go into their wild life preserve, but as soon as I walked in my shoe broke, so I borrowed a paper clip and MacGyver'd it. So we didn't go in and walked 19 miles back to the car (at the Bellagio) went home...and collapsed eating pizza and watched "Twilight." Teenage Vampire Angst....Oy!

Sunday we basically, slept in, laid around and enjoyed each other's company. Then! Then! we went to the Excalibur! Oh yes it is older and not as sophisticated as the new casinos, but my inner child leaps with joy at the site of the castle.

First, we went to three 4-D Movies in the kid's arcade area: Sponge Bob, Log Ride and Dinosaurs! We wore our 3-D glasses and the seats moved and water shot out at us...My favorite was Sponge Bob, who was chasing a runaway pickle for his hamburger.

Then, since Alora was a renaissance junkie and loves Ren faires, so we decided to go the the "TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS!!!" Yes, you heard me we went and sat in an arena and ate with our hands and watched jousting and it was FUN!

We had great seats and were in seated in "Russia" meaning we had to cheer for the Russian King. we were served "Dragon Soup" (which is Cambell's tomato soup with some herbs) a Cornish game hen, french fries, broccoli and soft drink of your choice.

Now you really have to just let go and have fun. The people around us that were too cool to "Hazzah", toast, yell and scream for their king were pussies! You have to interact and participate to have to fully enjoy the experience. Drinking helps, but I had Pepsi, so I was hopped up on caffeine and sugar (almost the same result as alcohol).

Now all the kings (Russia(our hero), Norway (totally hot, looked like a real version of the prince from "Beauty and the Beast"), France, Austria (had bride of Frankenstein hair), Ireland, Spain, Scotland and some others) looked like they were borrowed from the "Thunder from Down Under" show (basically male strippers from Australia also at the Excalibur).

We also had some well-built servants in just tights and cod-pieces....and yes, this is a family show...oh and some hand maidens (whatever).

The premise is that King Arthur (who looks like the real version of the "Burger King" king) is getting together with his son, Prince Christopher and the knights of the round table (the kings from above) for some general sword fighting and jousting fun (perhaps just like one of your family gatherings).

Meanwhile a guy that looks eerily like Peter Criss from "Kiss" and his son (Played by Marilyn Manson) decide they want to destroy the King and the Knights.

So I won't tell anymore, but Peter and Marilyn get their asses kicked and Arthur dies, nobody mourns him and they have a coronation for Christopher with really great acrobats! Oh, I just told you the outcome...sorry....

We laughed and cheered and the horsemanship was good and the fighting was fun and their was lots of pyrotechnics....I recommend it! But I do recommend a couple of stiff drinks!

Then we went over to TI (or Treasure Island for the not so "up on things") to see the Sirens of TI show in front of the Casino....Well again, I believe these were borrowed Chippendale Dancers and Victoria Secret Lingerie models in a battle of the sexes. The sirens (VSLM = Victoria Secret Lingerie models) were calling to the Pirates (Chippendale Dancers) to come on their ship. I was a little disappointed that the sirens weren't more "snappy" with their choreography. I had a picture in my head that they all would look and dance like Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls...Oh well.

So, on with the story. The Pirates wouldn't fall for the Siren's shenanigans, so they fired big cannons at them (a little phallic, don't you think). Then the women laughed and scorned them (like VSLM do) and would dance and sing a song (like the Pussycat dolls), then the men would fire the cannons and the women would...Yes, I think you know what happens next....The sirens, sink the pirate ship with their voices (I don't think that's neccesarily a good thing) and the pirates swim over to the sirens ship and they all sing and dance together.

Then the Pirate Captain and the Lead Siren go upstairs to "get busy" I think that means they signed some contracts so the sirens wouldn't get sued for sinking the pirate ship. Then they danced some more and a siren hung from a giant chandelier that magically appeared from the boat.

That's at least how I remember it.

C

Next Adventure: Julie LaScala comes in on Thursday!