Cha..cha..cha..cha.. cha...CHANGES!

Cha..cha..cha..cha...cha...CHANGES....you may think I'm singing David Bowie right now, but actually I'm stuttering through my tears.....Things are happening with my body and I'm freaking out! I feel like I'm twelve again and nobody....NOBODY wants to live though puberty again....but it seems I am....

It started a couple of months ago, about 10 days before my period (sorry men, this may be an overshare, but think of it as a in-depth look at the ancient species of women in their.....cough...early...40's...cough...on the National Geographic Channel...Yes, it's informative and educational....and probably a bit boring.

I noticed that I would...well, how would you say it...would become...ummm...A MONSTER! Excessive road rage (more than in LA), fatigue, sleeplessness, irritability and depression. Last week I actually was getting a pedicure and Donna Summer's "Last Dance" came on and I burst into to tears....WTF People?!!! What is going on here?

I decided to do some research after 1) almost snapping my sister-in-law in half (Sorry Sara) and 2) starting to weep uncontrollably when I was watching The Rachel Ray Show and Liz Smith said she was fired from her job at the age of 86. I cried like I lost my dogs.....

Something was definitely wrong.

I called my friend, an acupuncturist/healer...the lovely and amazing Ms. Jean Ann Allen. She sweetly told me that it could be the beginnings of Peri Menopause...WHAT? I'm too young! Then gently described it as the 10 years of HELL before the HELL of actual menopause.....WHAT? I have to go through this for 10 years before I go through a worse version of this? What is this....a cruel joke? God's way of punishing me for those happy-go-lucky years of dancing on tables and drinking like a fish?(I'm not giving that up by the way, but I did start wearing underwear).

I decided I should maybe think of careers I could go into that would support the "crazy." Prison Guard, hitman, meter maid....Judge Judy? "Hmmm..," I thought. "Maybe I should look into a solution instead."

Miss Jean is sending me "ancient chinese secret" herbs and The Mayo Clinic suggests a lifestyle of good nutrition, regular exercise and stress reduction...which I translate to steak, a boyfriend and a couple of glasses of red wine. Thank God I'm well versed in "natural treatments."

Well wish me luck on my new journey. As Bette Davis would say "It's going to be a bumpy night." Or in my case 8 to 10 years....

p.s. Regarding Antonio (see previous blog post)...He's alive and well and still living with my Mom and Dad....He attempted to murder my father by rigging his gigantic RV (all the electric went out in Texas) but Dad managed to survive....Then Antonio kept strangely quiet for the rest of my visit, but I know he's planning....scheming for the the day, he'll "off" the rest of family and keep my Mother for his own....Damm you Antonio!!!